When someone sends me a gif of bigfoot eating a taco to put on this tumbler
Grab Some Scissors And Etsy Up Those Old Clothes
Jeans → Jorts → Jort Jorts → Booty Jorts → Jong
Graphic tee → Belly shirt → Corgi tee → Corgi belly shirt → Corgi puppy tee → Tiny noose
Tie → Belt → Businesslike choker → Funeral armband → Sensible nipple tassels
Baseball cap → Beanie → Yarmulke → Sporty pasties
Gloves → Fingerless gloves → Palmless gloves
Belt → Corgi chew toy → Strip of leather to bite down on while they amputate your leg so you don’t bite your tongue off → Finger belt
Glasses → Opera glasses → Monocle → Noneocle
Kimono → Fall kimono → Spring kimono → Summer kimono → Racy kimono → Shamefully racy kimono → Kimono-no → Corgi kimono.
Hologram Wishlist
We have the technology, and we’ve tested it on Tupac. Here’s my shortlist of who I most want to see resurrected in hologram form:
- Buddy Holly
- Scatman Crothers
- Scatman John
- Jim Henson
- Dick Clark
- Peter Lorre, but really buff.
- Mister Ed
- Shaggy (not dead but imagine if you will TWO SHAGGYS)
- A shrieking, crying Marilyn Monroe, begging to be returned to the grave.
- Binky.
I’m Not Well Enough Acquainted With My Favorite Rappers To Call Them By Their Full Names
Buster Rhymes
Jayden-Z
Walker Flocka Flame
Lil Jonathan
Kreayshawnathan
Raekwanathan
Nicholas Minaj
Lillian Wayne
Ghostface Killbourne
Method Manfried
Thomas-Pain
Ludwigcris
Dracob
Bigothy Smalls
Snoop Douglas
Good news: The John Carter Soundtrack is chock-full of terrible puns.
Better news: We made some more.
Tom and I are the Hall and Oates of punning.
Game of Thrones Campaign Slogans
JON SNOW:
LIFE’S a BITCH
VOTE for a BASTARD
–
ROBB STARK for THE KING IN THE NORTH
THE KING IN THE NORTH
THE KING IN THE NORTH
THE KING IN THE NORTH
THE KING IN THE NORTH
THE KING IN THE NORTH
THE KING IN THE NORTH
–
LANNISTER/LANNISTER
FAMILY COMES FIRST
–
THEON GREYJOY.
You know,
THEON GREYJOY?
–
EVERYBODY LOVES
TYRION
–
YOU CAN TRUST
LITTLEFINGER
–
NED STARK for HAND:
A HEAD on a POLE
AHEAD in the POLLS
As A Newspaperman, I Lack Promise
Last summer, I somehow ended up with a 4-week trial contributorship with The Onion, America’s Finest News Source. I’d send in 15 headlines per week, and they’d pick from the pool of contributor headlines to to make it into the main pitch meeting. Unfortunately, I didn’t snag the contributorship, and none of mine were published, leaving me with a treasure trove of weird, abortive headlines, some of which still I still find totally strange and delightful. Here are a few of my favorites:
Afghan Insurgents Seize Day
Wildly Popular Popularity Contest Wins Popularity Contest Popularity Contest
Barenaked Ladies Aren’t
Shark Jumps Over Television In Bizarre Omen
CIA Releases Bees
Intern Only In It For The Pussy
Op-Ed: Your Whole Life Changes When You Have Your First Child Bride
Modern-Day Midas Turns Everything He Touches To Abstract Financial Calculations
Irrational Exuberance Rampant In Stoke Market
Scientists Discover World’s Largest Discovery
Giant Roast Turkey Man Stranded On Desert Island
Report: 2012 Job Creation Will Increase Or Decrease Or Stay The Same
Op-Ed: We Don’t Have Much Time, Talk To This Newspaper As Though It Were A Human And We’ll Make It Through This
I Am Not Proud Of My Google History
fake ids for dogs
best mustard for mustard sandwich
bonzibuddy download
dinosaur photographs ALIVE
let me google that for you
who is gay
porn of me
cool dads chat room
what is the smallest thing and who owns it
how many grapes is too many
how do you know if you are in the matrix
is science right
is chinatown in china
how many websites
who is wikileaks
avoid being tricked by pigeon
be less racist
stop puking
remove gum pubic hair
tucker max fan club found chapter
barrak obamma
does he say “i am legend” in I Am Legend
what is hotel for dogs about
joe pesci nude scenes
weekend at bernies true story?
does four of a kind beat five of a kind
wnba fantasy league
xfl fantasy league
slamball fantasy league
rules for strip snakes and ladders
spider man prostitute
chandler joey ross furry tee shirt bulk
salt craigslist
Resolutions
(Inspired by Mary Robison’s excellent novel One D.O.A., One on the Way.)
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No more taking two-dollar bills out of wallets at parties where I don’t know the host.
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I’m done wearing a pterodactyl hat out and about.
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I’m almost positive I’ll never again throw up soda at Wesleyan.
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Or Skidmore
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Or Tufts
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Or the East Village, or Harlem.
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No more making finish lines on highway off-ramps.
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I’m through mixing red wine and Dr. Pepper.
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No more running shirtless near high schools.
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I’m done looking up other people’s skin conditions on WebMD.
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Changing the backgrounds of public computers to pictures of Guy Fieri is over and done with.
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My days of falling asleep in faculty lounges are numbered, and that number is zero.
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I’m done repeating jokes until enough people laugh.
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No more sitting on the floors of Young Adult sections of public libraries.
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No more convincing friends to lie our way into a frat house on Stripper Night, “for the sake of feminism.”
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I’m done asking bartenders for their very best Pabst Blue Ribbon, please.
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Pretty much finished throwing fits when Dad plays Chanukkah cassettes.
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No more crying loudly at children’s movie matinees
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Never again using the following terms, even in jest: “Filthy degenerate,” “Mongoloid,” “Turk,” “Jewess.”
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“Conniving Bolshevik”
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Done taping my cell phone to my hand and calling myself a cyborg.
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No more supergluing stuffed bears to Hebrew school desks.
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No more laughing out loud when my grandparents recommend movies.
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I’m through building cup pyramids in public places and leaving.
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With full cups.
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No more holding eye contact with strangers’ babies until they cry.
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Watching fat kids get knocked over by waves and I are splitsville.
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I’m done introducing my mother with, “I came out of her.”
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No more writing “OH BULLSHIT” in bibles.
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In pen.
