I'm Going To Joke You To Death

Dan Abromowitz, occasionally.



I took Drugs once. I liked it. I figured out how tinfoil worked, gave advice to my reflection, and felt blessed by the primary colors of my friends’ t-shirts. I recommend Drugs to anyone. The best Drugs is called Good Ass Shit, and that’s exactly what Asian men put a bag of inside nice…

I review movie trailers, but for some reason on a separate tumblr.  Check ‘em out at danreviewstrailers.

Wrote by me, designed by Cole Mitchell, given humbly to the women of the world.

Wrote by me, designed by Cole Mitchell, given humbly to the women of the world.


Please use my typeface in your next design project!

I’m sitting behind this guy at a coffee shop and I thought this was funny!  Good job, guy!  Way to get your work out there.


Please use my typeface in your next design project!

I’m sitting behind this guy at a coffee shop and I thought this was funny!  Good job, guy!  Way to get your work out there.

Like Twilight before it, The Hunger Games series was a record-breaking smash hit for both print and screen, inspiring scores of cash-in imitators and creating Barnes & Noble sections like “Teen Paranormal Romance.” As the first Divergent movie hits theaters, though, the plucky-female-protagonist-upends-totalitarian-future-society model (“Teen Murder Dystopia”) has officially peaked, and it’s time for something entirely new to shake up the world of young adult fiction. Based on a careful study of teen trends, here are some prototypes for what the next trendsetting blockbuster might look like:

Teen College - It’s Fariah Fairchild’s 15th birthday, and she’s just been accepted to Sprouse University, the world’s first and only all-teen college, where the provost, bursar, and ombudsman are all named Aiden. For Fariah, it’s a dream come true: brilliant tenured teen professors, hunky teen law students (teens studying teen law), and sprawling quads half-assedly maintained by an all-teen grounds crew. But she’ll soon find teen college isn’t all parties and constant statutory offenses: the school’s multi-billion dollar endowment is in jeopardy thanks to heinous mismanagement by university president Shane “Who Gives A Fuck” Fink, her favorite professor’s on the chopping block for turning 20, and 3G on campus is super spotty. Can Fariah survive finals, heartbreak, and the permanent neurological damage binge drinking inflicts on the developing brain to make it to graduation?

Teen Technical College - A little more of a bummer overall, but at least readers will actually learn something.

Teen Neoindustrial Urban Vandalism - If there’s one thing teens love, it’s the work of post-anarchist and mystic Hakim Bey, because his advocacy of temporary insurrectional ontologies to disrupt calcified hierarchy and hegemonic infrastructure just, like, gets it. The year is 20XY. The place is Neo Francisco. Through advances in chronohacking, the Authority has made being teenaged illegal. In the alleys of the Neo Castro, Spyre, teen leader of the all-teen anarcho-graffiti collective TAZ, dreams of the ultimate tag: the Authority’s surveillance tower, jutting from Neo Alcatraz. But more and more warehouse ravers are being chronoblasted into abrupt adulthood, and guerilla urban art installations disappearing from memory. Is time literally running out for Spyre and his anarchomisfits? Super edgy, super marketable, and it even comes with its own guerilla ad campaign built right in. I’m a money farm, Hollywood! I’m a goddamn factory farm for cashola!

Read More

With the death of its founder and longtime leader Fred Phelps, the Westboro Baptist Church faces the critical decision of whether to stay the course or turn its national notoriety and love of signage towards some other end. Here are some ways the church could reinvent itself going forward.

Professional Greeters


Break Into Late-Night

First Manned Mars Crew


Medical Assistance

Yogurt Snobs


Airport Valets

Where you at, Greg.

This year, everyone’s favorite celtic and semitic bashes fall on the same weekend, with St. Patrick’s Day just one headachey day after the Jewish festival of Purim. Good thing they go together like sour cream and brown sauce! Here are a few mindsparkers for fun, family-friendly ways to celebrate old St. Purim:

1. Every year, Irish and non-Irish alike delight in the reading of the Book of St. Patrick, or Megillah, recounting the deliverance of the Irish people from the wicked Persian vizier Haman by the grace of Adonai (and a little bit of the ol’ four-leaf luck!). For a fun twist on the classic St. Patrick’s Day spiel, let kids take turns reading about good queen Esther’s adventures on the Emerald Isle, and have adults act it out, goofs and all. Don’t forget the graggers!

2. You can’t have St. Patrick’s Day without Hamentaschen! Filled with apricot, prune, chocolate, or poppyseeds, these triangular confections – shaped like the iconic hat of the mischievous leprechaun – are the quintessential St. Paddy’s treat. A bake-off is a great way to stoke some friendly neighborhood competition, and in the end, everybody wins!

3. A little something for the adults: on St. Patrick’s Day, we’re supposed to drink until we don’t know the difference between the righteous Mordecai and the wicked Oliver Cromwell. Time to break out the Manischewitz and green food coloring! For party games, put Irish twists on old favorites: how about Bobbing For Potato Pancakes, Pin The Shamrock on the Old Chassid’s Lapel, or Irish Dreidel.

4. When most people think “St. Patrick’s Day meal,” they think “corned beef and cabbage,” but did you know that dish originated in the US? This year, why not experiment with some traditional Irish recipes, like Irish lamb stew, soda bread, kreplach, blintzes, shepherd’s pie, latkes, colcannon, gefilte fish, kasha, knishes, bigos, schwarma, schav, kubbeh, kishkes, halvah, tsimmes, or matzoh ball soup.

5. Learn a little Gaelic! “Shalom” means hello, goodbye, and Catholicism. “Claddagh” means Zion. “Diaspora” means nothing to you, with your gameboy and your Macklemore, why should you care.

6. Don’t forget to have your guests wear green, the color the Irish were historically required to wear so as to be readily identified.

7. One of the commandments of St. Patrick’s Day is the giving of mischloach manot, baskets of food and goodies.  Set up an arts and crafts table so everyone from grumpy old Hyman to wee little Seamus can decorate their own “pot o’ gold,” thereby participating in Repairing The World, or Tikkun Olam.

For the perfect end to a perfect night, sacrifice a lamb in remembrance of the old temple. Next year in Jerusalem!

(Originally posted on HappyPlace)