Last summer, I somehow ended up with a 4-week trial contributorship with The Onion, America’s Finest News Source. I’d send in 15 headlines per week, and they’d pick from the pool of contributor headlines to to make it into the main pitch meeting. Unfortunately, I didn’t snag the contributorship, and none of mine were published, leaving me with a treasure trove of weird, abortive headlines, some of which still I still find totally strange and delightful. Here are a few of my favorites:
Afghan Insurgents Seize Day
Wildly Popular Popularity Contest Wins Popularity Contest Popularity Contest
Barenaked Ladies Aren’t
Shark Jumps Over Television In Bizarre Omen
CIA Releases Bees
Intern Only In It For The Pussy
Op-Ed: Your Whole Life Changes When You Have Your First Child Bride
Modern-Day Midas Turns Everything He Touches To Abstract Financial Calculations
Irrational Exuberance Rampant In Stoke Market
Scientists Discover World’s Largest Discovery
Giant Roast Turkey Man Stranded On Desert Island
Report: 2012 Job Creation Will Increase Or Decrease Or Stay The Same
Op-Ed: We Don’t Have Much Time, Talk To This Newspaper As Though It Were A Human And We’ll Make It Through This
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