I'm Going To Joke You To Death

Dan Abromowitz, occasionally.

As A Newspaperman, I Lack Promise

Last summer, I somehow ended up with a 4-week trial contributorship with The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.  I’d send in 15 headlines per week, and they’d pick from the pool of contributor headlines to to make it into the main pitch meeting.  Unfortunately, I didn’t snag the contributorship, and none of mine were published, leaving me with a treasure trove of weird, abortive headlines, some of which still I still find totally strange and delightful.  Here are a few of my favorites:

Afghan Insurgents Seize Day

Wildly Popular Popularity Contest Wins Popularity Contest Popularity Contest

Barenaked Ladies Aren’t

Shark Jumps Over Television In Bizarre Omen

CIA Releases Bees

Intern Only In It For The Pussy

Op-Ed: Your Whole Life Changes When You Have Your First Child Bride

Modern-Day Midas Turns Everything He Touches To Abstract Financial Calculations

Irrational Exuberance Rampant In Stoke Market

Scientists Discover World’s Largest Discovery

Giant Roast Turkey Man Stranded On Desert Island

Report: 2012 Job Creation Will Increase Or Decrease Or Stay The Same

Op-Ed: We Don’t Have Much Time, Talk To This Newspaper As Though It Were A Human And We’ll Make It Through This

  1. danabromowitz posted this