I'm Going To Joke You To Death

Dan Abromowitz, occasionally.
funnyordie:

Every Networking Email You’ve Ever Sent

Dear [second-tier family friend / disinterested success story / mom’s dance classmate’s brother’s son who’s only like a year farther out of college than you],
My name is [your name], and I’m a recent graduate of [your school] with a degree in [your unemployable major] and a minor in [your soon-to-be-snuffed passion / a Hail Mary towards professionalism]. I was directed your way by [your parents, give or take a few degrees of separation], who suggested I get in touch with you about [how you’ve been temping so goddamn long you’re forgetting what fresh fruit tastes like]. I hope you don’t mind that I looked you up on LinkedIn – your experience in [field] is truly impressive, and your [profile picture / jawline / aquiline nose] is [striking / captivating / alluring].
Having recently moved to [a waterstained shoebox in a bloated city that would barely take notice if you up and died on public transit / your childhood bedroom], I was wondering if you might be able to …

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This is my article, and those are both my arms!

funnyordie:

Every Networking Email You’ve Ever Sent

Dear [second-tier family friend / disinterested success story / mom’s dance classmate’s brother’s son who’s only like a year farther out of college than you],

My name is [your name], and I’m a recent graduate of [your school] with a degree in [your unemployable major] and a minor in [your soon-to-be-snuffed passion / a Hail Mary towards professionalism]. I was directed your way by [your parents, give or take a few degrees of separation], who suggested I get in touch with you about [how you’ve been temping so goddamn long you’re forgetting what fresh fruit tastes like]. I hope you don’t mind that I looked you up on LinkedIn – your experience in [field] is truly impressive, and your [profile picture / jawline / aquiline nose] is [striking / captivating / alluring].

Having recently moved to [a waterstained shoebox in a bloated city that would barely take notice if you up and died on public transit / your childhood bedroom], I was wondering if you might be able to …

Copy, paste, tweak, repeat. Read more here.

This is my article, and those are both my arms!

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