I'm Going To Joke You To Death

Dan Abromowitz, occasionally.

This Fraternity Needs Rules

 1. The president of the fraternity is to be referred to as “Big Hank,” regardless of whether Hank is a nickname for the president’s [Christian] name, or how big he is. Big Hank is eternal.

2. If you’re playing Uno, and you get Uno, don’t be all smug about it. This is hardly a game of skill.

3. The enemy of your enemy is the greatest enemy of all, because of exponents.

4. We should have a fight club. How cool would that be? YOU DON’T TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB, right? Yeah, man.

5. There’s nothing wrong with crying, as long as you preserve the tears. Never waste tears.

6. Massachusetts? Naw. “Taxagayalopolis.” It’s a pun.

7. The name of this fraternity is the whole Greek alphabet, because we accept all peoples.

8. Never don’t not not not not not not not not be kind ;)

9. Fridays are Frat Fridays. On Frat Fridays, all bets are off.

9a. Good Friday is Good Frat Friday (or “Pesach,” to our Semitic brothers).

10. Don’t mess with Texas, always dote on Minnesota, and trust the gut of Connecticut

11. If we catch you ending a sentence with a preposition, you are in for it, mister.

12. If you are not hungry, you cannot eat a Hungry Man frozen dinner. Frankly, it’s shameful that we need to devote a whole rule to this, but if that’s what it’s going to take, then that’s what it’s going to take.

13. The theme music of this frat is Whale Sounds.

14. No double-taps, no trespassing, king’s call.

15. Never drive drunk. Steeldriving, that is. We’re railroadsmen, in this frat.

16. The scariest thing in the world is when you’re waiting at a train station, and there’s a train coming, but it’s not stopping at the station, and it just whips by at like a billion miles per hour, all kicking up dust particles and making your ears pop. Ain’t nothing scarier.

17. No girls in the frat house. Only ladies.

17a. Or, “ladies.”

18. Beer before liquor, you get a sticker. Liquor before beer, a smack on the rear.

19. Did you know Lemony Snicket is in the Magnetic Fields? How dope is that?

20. We made it all the way to rule 20!

21. Is anyone writing these down?

22. Wearing white after Labor Day is required.

23. If you cannot stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you cannot get out of the kitchen, assess your situation. Is a great, burly man blocking your path? Do you still have legs? Something may be terribly wrong.

24. Friendship between men is the greatest gift of all, greater than flight or invisibilty. End of debate.

25. ΑΒΓΔΕΖΗΘΙΚΛΜΝΞΟΠΡΣΤΥΦΧΨΩ! ΑΒΓΔΕΖΗΘΙΚΛΜΝΞΟΠΡΣΤΥΦΧΨΩ! ΑΒΓΔΕΖΗΘΙΚΛΜΝΞΟΠΡΣΤΥΦΧΨΩ!

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