I'm Going To Joke You To Death

funnyordie: Conception Fertility starts in the mind. My...

Thu, 09 May 2013 22:39:36 -0400

Conception

Fertility starts in the mind.

My directorial debut, co-written with and starring some of the best comic talent at Princeton University.

I'm Sick And Tired

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 22:17:36 -0500

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sick, and I am tired. I’m sick of the banks riding high on bail-outs. I’m tired of Wall Street treating the country like a Monopoly board. I’m sick of late nights watching pundits lob softballs for huckster politicians, and I’m tired of spending all day feeling nauseous as I watch American values dragged through the mud. I’m sick of losing my train of thought mid-sentence, and I’m tired. Good lord, am I tired.

Do you know what burns me up the most, folks? Do you know what really gets me feverish? It’s knowing that while I’m this sick and this tired, my opponents are sleeping soundly on silk sheets knowing that they have on the best healthcare money can buy. While I’m getting up before the crack of dawn to break my back to put this country back on track, my opponents are sleeping in ‘til noon and turning a profit off of your labor. While I’m coughing up gobs of cloudy phlegm, they are, in all likelihood, not doing that. And I’ll be damned if thinking about that doesn’t throw my internal homeostasis out of whack.

I’ve been traveling this country for months, coast to coast and back again, talking with people like you folks, with good common sense and decent values, who know what it is to work for a living and earn what you own. And yet every morning I’m waking up more sick and tired than the day before. Why? Because I spend all night in a bunk in the back of our campaign bus worrying about what the next four years will look like for those good people, and if sleep is not restful, it does nothing to combat fatigue. Without rest, the immune system is severely depressed, leaving the body wide open to infection.

I keep asking my staff to feel my glands, but none of them have any idea how big they’re supposed to be. It’s a little campaign trail joke we have.

Folks, I’m standing before you today so sick I can barely speak, and so tired I can barely stand up. But somebody needs to speak for the people, and somebody needs to stand up to Washington. And god knows I’d rather that person be someone, anyone other than me, so that I could go home and catch a Sunday afternoon nap with my dog and drink hot soup with my beautiful wife. I have vivid, vivid fever dreams about just that, when I do dream at all.

There are colored dots swimming before my eyes, and those dots are colored red, white, and blue. Thank you, and good fucking god what did I just hack up.

This is maybe my favorite joke I’ve ever written.

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 14:37:16 -0500

This is maybe my favorite joke I’ve ever written.

Dan's Kissin' Tips

Thu, 14 Feb 2013 22:01:50 -0500

Never been kissed, like in that movie? Stop fretting, you fucking baby. It’s easy. Millions of people, including myself, do it every day; others, less frequently. Follow these basic guidelines so that when it comes time to lock lips, your partner doesn’t find you utterly inept and contemptible:

1.) Lock eyes, and keep them open. This is how you demonstrate commitment. With eye contact, you are saying to your partner, “Yes, I consent, tongue me good.”

2.) Lean in, bending at the waist. Relax your jaw and let it hang slack. Do not close your eyes. There is no turning back now; this phase is commonly known as the “Lover’s Eschaton.” (The form of a vase should be visible in the negative space between your silhouettes.)

3.) Align your lips with your partners’ and press. Do not yield. Intense pressure must be applied by both parties or the kiss will collapse.

4.) Keep your eyes open.

5.) Together, open your mouths. This accomplishes two things: first, it gives both tongues a wide berth for “loveplay,” and second, it allows each partner to more easily suck the breath from the other, one of the sweetest delicacies of human erotics.

6.) Rub the tips of your tongues together until both parties orgasm.

7.) Break the kiss, straightening at the waist. Maintain eye contact.

8.) Say “I love you.”

Ten Minute Euphemisms

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 01:01:52 -0500

THE GAME: Set a timer for 10 minutes and come up with as many genital euphemisms as possible. Then, do it again for the other sex. Share with the world.

LADY
Chinese Finger Trap
Blood Gulch
The Great Pit of Carkoon
Poonterest
The Fertile Crescent
Bleeding Kansas
Country Road, Take Me Home
Vulpix
The Pink Slip ‘n’ Slide
Front-Anus
Charybdis
The Skirt Pocket
The Money Pit
Extra Ball Slot
That Sweet, Sweet Already-Chewed Chewing Gum
MacGuffin’s Muffin
Vagina Pie
Fister’s Choice
The Downstairs Raw Bar
Gunk, Germs, and Squeal
The Clitoral ‘Hood
Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter
The Hymen Memorial
The Pit of Despair

DUDE
Batchelor’s Baton
The Leading Cause of Unwanted Pregnancy
Dousing Rod
The Midnight Meat Train
Nature’s Sundial
Fuck Mountain
Throbsausage
Guy Chode
A Brief Interview with a Hideous Man
The Nautilus
Tube Furnace
The Devil’s Super Soaker
Short Round
The Professor’s Grading Pen
Phallicorice
The Pinkberry Soft Serve Dispenser
You’re So Veiny You Probably Think This Dong Is About You

How To Be Sex Positive

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 15:42:15 -0500

Throwing an event? Put out a condom bowl, or put condoms in gift bags! Put condoms in the food and drinks. Place a hex on your guests so condoms spill out of their mouths.

Open a dialogue with teens about healthy sex practices. Flag them down outside known teen hang-outs (funky diners, etc.) and yell sex tips you thought of on the drive over. Teens will listen.

Sex is a partner activity (remember: there’s no “me” in “mutual masturbation”) so respect your partner. Bow before beginning, close their eyes by drawing your hands over their face at the end. Always use the proper honorifics.

Sex shouldn’t be silent, sex should be joyous! Hoot and holler during sex, the whole time.

Ask if your doctor is “sex positive.” Demand to see the test results. “How can a doctor treat me for sex when that doctor is sex positive?” you scream, as the receptionist tries to explain no, that’s not how that works.

Take your own needs as seriously as the needs of your partner. Weigh how much you need to pee mid-act against how much your partner would prefer you to not pee mid-act.

Be willing to introduce marital aids, or “toys,” into the bedroom. Give them names like “Ol’ Wobbly” and “The Gooch.” Construct elaborate narratives and relationships between them. Kill them off, one by one. Who’s the killer? It was The Gooch all along.

Try being honest and open about your masturbation habits. Raise a red flag from your roof when you’re masturbating. A potluck is a great way to get the word out.

Cyber sex, or “cybering,” is a great way to get comfortable with sexual vocabulary. Be sure, though, to administer periodic Turing tests to your partner. When robots can breed with us, it’s all over.

Yes, feminist porn is out there, if you know how to find it! Light a candle and say “Gender Trouble” three times into a mirror. It is regular porn but with no bras.

See sex as much as you feel it! Do it with the lights on. Observe from a safe emotional distance.

Take sex seriously. Do not tell jokes. Do not perform sleight-of-hand and three-card monte (or, “Find The Lady”). It is just rude.

Don’t just take love, make love. If you have to, fake love.

Try gay stuff. Don’t be a pussy.

The Pros And Cons Of Unbanning Me From Your Olive Garden Franchise Location

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 15:48:03 -0500

Humbly submitted to the management of the Cerritos Plaza Olive Garden, as – if you will – an olive branch.

Pros:

I’ll eat at your restaurant daily for lunch and dinner, and Tuscan Brunch on weekends, and I will tip extravagantly at every meal.
My phonetic reading of every menu item is a constant delight for the other patrons.
Children go absolutely nuts when I fling unlimited salad and breadsticks and declare myself the scion of Bacchus and a risen man-god of fury and plenty.
I will be able to show off my Olive Garden tattoos without it being “weird” or “at a wake.”
I won’t sleep outside the restaurant.
My presence keeps business down to manageable levels for the servers.
I’ve learned my lesson: I definitely won’t coldcock the day shift manager again.

Cons:

I will absolutely coldcock the day shift manager again.
I’m still unable to pay for my food with anything but my famous ‘Sock O’ Nickels’ or a lusty song-and-dance number (unless a barter system has been instituted in my absence, per my repeated requests).
I will sleep inside the restaurant.
In the months since I was banned, you’ve probably hired new wait staff, with no knowledge of my individual rhythms (e.g. my screaming hatred of gnocchi, my need to have my personal space invaded, my sex glare, etc.).
My grunting has gotten louder than ever, and I sweat almost twice as much as I used to. They don’t call me The Troll for nothing!
They call me The Troll because of the severe and persistent case of shingles covering most of my body that most folks find totally horrifying.
Also the grunting.
And the sweating.
I will steal everything.

There Are Only 11 Plots In All Of Literature

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 00:31:25 -0500

Man vs. Man

Man vs. Wild

Man vs. Food

Man vs. Machine

Man vs. Machete

Man vs. Manfred Mann

Man vs. Mannheim Steamroller

Man vs. Sub-Zero

Man vs. Chorus vs. Chorus Bridge Chorus

Man vs. Religion (i.e., Man vs. Verses)

Man vs. Sub-Zero, Round 2

dorkly: The Dorklyst: The 12 Greatest Launch Games of...

Fri, 04 Jan 2013 00:38:34 -0500

dorkly:

The Dorklyst: The 12 Greatest Launch Games of All-Time

The launch of a console is terrifying. A beloved company could find itself dashed against the cold shoals of consumer culture, or exalted into everlasting greatness and high stock prices. You could end up sinking your hard-earned ~$300-400 into a big dusty brick to be boxed up with your broken VCR, or investing in a permanent fixture in dorms and apartments to come. But there, guiding you to safety like harbor buoys through a thick mist, there are the games launching alongside the console, and every now and then there comes a launch game so powerful, so potent, so perfect, it single-handedly justifies that day one impulse buy or that midnight launch line. Here’re the 12 best console launch titles ever put out.

I take on the big issues.

Some real goofball moves in here. dorkly: The Dorklyst: The 7...

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 17:10:05 -0500

Some real goofball moves in here.

dorkly:

The Dorklyst: The 7 Most Ridiculous Resurrections in Comic Book History

This is why superheroes can’t get life insurance anymore.

My father’s phone alarm went off during dinner tonight, at 7:21 PM tonight. Wondering why...

Fri, 23 Nov 2012 22:15:52 -0500

My father’s phone alarm went off during dinner tonight, at 7:21 PM tonight. Wondering why he’d set an alarm for 7:21, this is what I discovered:

No credible explanation could be supplied.

Over the next few days, I’m going to be consolidating some...

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 16:20:11 -0500

Over the next few days, I’m going to be consolidating some of my freelance work on here. Best be ready.

dorkly:

The Dorklyst: 7 Ways Videogames Scared You Away From Drugs

Just say no to drugs, unless you really need some Jet.

Why Do They Sound Like That?

Wed, 14 Nov 2012 00:33:16 -0500

1) Thom Yorke: Why does he sound like that?

A. He’s got a thousand angry ghosts living in his chest, and every time he opens his mouth, they burst forth, wailing.

B. He’s never been able to sing regularly since he was sent to Room 101 for “reeducation.”

C. His mouth is still numb from when he got his wisdom teeth out, so cut him some slack.

D. He’s got a bomb strapped to his chest set to go off if his pitch drops below 880 Hz.

E. He’s scared.

2) Ol’ Dirty Bastard: Why does he sound like that?

A. He’s a madman; no man can enter all thirty-six chambers and return with his sanity intact.

B. His windpipe was nearly crushed in a particularly brutal bout of chessboxing.

C. He didn’t sound like that when he was young, but then he got ol’.

D. He’s been dead since 1991, and the whole time, he was rapping from beyond the grave.

E. Killa bees!

3) Win Butler: Why does he sound like that?

A. He has to wail to be heard over his band’s sixty violinists.

B. He’s developed a strong French-Canadian accent. That’s what it sounds like. Don’t you know anything?

C. He’s in mourning because Where The Wild Things Are couldn’t possibly have lived up to its trailer.

D. He got an ice cube stuck down his shirt in 2003, and it hasn’t yet reached the bottom of his back.

E. He’s scared, too.

4) Joanna Newsom: Why does she sound like that?

A. She has a tiny trachea from years and years of autoerotic asphyxiation.

B. She’s a mouse-person, and her songs are mating calls.

C. She’s a mermaid who traded her beautiful singing voice in exchange for legs.

D. She re-routes the energy she would use to sing normally into her powerful harping fingers. What’s coming out of her mouth is just her fuckin’ around.

E. She was deaf the whole time.

5) Billy Corgan: Why does he sound like that?

A. He’s doubly afflicted by both frequent narcolepsy and sleep-talking.

B. He remembers that he’s bald every couple of seconds, and it makes him furious. Then, he forgets.

C. He uses particular combinations of frequencies in order to attract lady bassists. It’s been incredibly effective.

D. He draws air into his lungs from an enormous pair of bellows in his back, operated by pedal.

E. He swallowed a sine wave.

6) Tom Waits: Why does he sound like that?

A. He’s never ever once in his entire life cleared his throat. If he did, his songwriting skills would disappear in an instant.

B. His head is a’spinnin’ ‘round, and his heart is in his shoes, both of which make it pretty hard to sing like a normal guy.

C. He was diagnosed with vocal nodes, but he just went ahead and ripped them right out of his neck with his fingers. No more vocal nodes.

D. His saliva is whiskey.

E. He ain’t scared.

• • • • •

(Answers: E, E, E, E, E, E)

Itinerary of “Rager” From the desk of Willard Mitt Romney Ground rules: -One (1) Milk Chug per...

Tue, 13 Nov 2012 01:26:24 -0500

Itinerary of “Rager”
From the desk of Willard Mitt Romney

Ground rules:
-One (1) Milk Chug per guest.
-Do not tip the help.
-No roughhousing.
-No canoodling.
-NO CUSSING!!
-Thank Ann.

Directions:
Directions have been provided to your driver.

Schedule:
4:30 PM - Guests arrive “fashionably late.”
4:35 PM - Prayer.
5:00 PM - Grace before pizza supper.
5:20 PM - Pizza supper.
6:00 PM - Film screening: Wall Street (1987) - First half.
7:00 PM - Sunset horseback ride (guest must provide own horse).
7:45 PM - Silent prayer for sun to rise again.
8:15 PM - Shame-sharing.
8:30 PM - Penitence.
8:45 PM - Monopoly tournament
12:30 AM - Presentation of Monopoly tournament prizes
(1st place: $10,000. 2nd place: Not outsourced.)
1 AM - Mormon fuck-frenzy (“sexy” temple garments provided).
3 AM - Prayer.

Our Son Will Have The Childhood I Never Did

Sun, 11 Nov 2012 21:14:00 -0500

Thirty years ago today, Muriel, my extended family’s trip to Disney World was abruptly canceled when my mother’s parents were killed by birds. I never got to experience the Magic Kingdom, but damn it, honey, our Tom is going to have everything I couldn’t. So pack your bags, because I got us three tickets to Orlando, Florida, home of the happiest place on earth! Seriously, hurry. Our flight leaves in three hours, I put down a half-dozen huge non-refundable deposits, and if we mess this up, our son is ruined.

Whoa now, calm down, honey, and listen to me for a minute. Life’s dealt me my hand, but our Tom’s still got a fighting chance at getting it right. It’s like I’ve changed our child into a time machine. Jesus, if only I could change our child into a time machine.

Besides, you’re going to love what I’ve cooked up for this trip. I may have grown up one pair of grandparents short, but I plan to savor the moment when our Tom steps off his flight to see, count ‘em, two pairs of age-wizened faces beaming back at him. I know your parents are dead, Muriel, Christ, just shut up a second.

You know the Chuck E. Cheese’s out in Clemsboro, the one they’re closing down because of all the rats in the ballpit? Well, I bought the giant animatronic animal frames, outfitted them with your parents’ skins (just listen for a second, God!), and shipped them ahead to meet us at the airport. I know in life your mother’s head wasn’t distended by enormous mechanical ears, but other than that, it’s like they never died, and also they started singing pizza-centric country songs.

Oh, stop crying. This is what they would have wanted.

Hey, look, this’ll cheer you up! It’s our Disney World itinerary, jam-packed with activities. From noon to four we’re doing rides, from four to eight, we’re playing games, and from eight to midnight, it’s Tom Time. What’s Tom Time? Tom Time is crucial.

Well, Muriel, because until the night we made our Tom, I was still a virgin. You knew that, right? Well, yeah, you’re damn right it explains a lot. Tom Time’s going to be everything my first time wasn’t. Tom Time’s going to be perfect.

Of course I’m not going to cancel Tom Time. Do you know how much it costs to book an escort in Disney World? Hardly anything, as it turns out. Whole, thriving industry.

Oh, come off it. It’ll be fun. They dress up like Snow White. He’ll love it. Well, I should hope there are hookers in Disney World, Muriel, because somebody’s got my credit card number. Then again, I’ve never been to Disney World, so how the hell would I know?

You can quit shouting already, honey, because I’m not budging a god-damn inch. If our timing is anything less than perfect, our Tom’s going to contract the chicken pox right in the middle of his Disney vacation. Yes, I infected him with chicken pox. No, I never had chicken pox. Well, if I’m going to have shingles, I’d like to have shingles with my son. That’s my right as a father. Now hoof it, darling, we’ve got a plane to catch.

If our Tom turns out even half again as well as I did, I think he could be president.

The Romney Boys

Mon, 05 Nov 2012 00:02:05 -0500

Tried to list them from memory as a study break. Here’s what I got:

Matt
Josh
Craig
Tragg
Trip
Trundle
Thumper
Dorcas
Rice
Beans
Parnassus
Uriel
Nephilim
Rephaim
Bulk
Skull
Fili
Kili
Oin
Gloin
Dwalin
Balin
Bifur
Bofur
Bombur
Dori
Nori
Ori
Thorin Oakenshield
Tragggg

Hurricane Looting Etiquette

Mon, 29 Oct 2012 23:41:42 -0400

Anything floating at least one (1) inch off the ground is “up for grabs,” including pets and infants.

Only shop windows without tape may be shattered. Taped shop windows physically cannot be shattered.

Check your attitude at the door when you’re going to start looting. There will be plenty of attitudes for you to loot.

Don’t loot more than you can carry, i.e., 100 lbs of meat.

Boats are fair game for commandeering so long as no man is spared. Spare no man.

No sex during looting, and moreover, no looting during sex.

If someone loots something you’ve already looted, hey, buddy, let it go.

All dibs rules are in full effect regarding yet-to-be-looted objects, such as “Finders Keepers,” “No Givesies/No Backsies,” and “The Juarez Bargain.”

Loot with a smile. Sure, it’s hard work, but it’s play, too.

Have a blessed day.

Photo

Sat, 29 Sep 2012 14:34:08 -0400

The Insider’s Guide To College A Cappella

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 11:38:37 -0400

The Insider’s Guide To College A Cappella:

tigermag:

Though a fun, rewarding, and quintessential part of the collegiate experience, college a cappella can be a nightmare of nuance for the uninformed student. Even choosing which groups to audition for can be its own ordeal if you’re not sure what to look for. Here are some free hot tips…

New piece on TigerMag. Get pitch slapped(tm).

He’s a job creator.

Fri, 07 Sep 2012 13:17:33 -0400

He’s a job creator.